I wonder how many feature length films about the Marvel Universe have been made so far? Feels like there have been at least 2 or 3 per year for the last 2 decades.

Jeff and Loki, sitting on a couch I'd rather not try to explain what's going on there.

First of all, if you haven't seen the teaser trailer, it's here.

Secondly, calm your asses down. You're only reacting to the music and nostalgia for the good old fantasy movies of your childhood. Just because Guardians of the Galaxy got away with it once doesn't mean it'll work every time.

It's supposed to be a teaser/trailer but I think they give away half the movie and you can really guess the other half. This movie is likely meant to answer the question posed in the previous Marvel U movie, Captain America doesn't get his way and is a little bitch about it, where did the Hulk and Thor disappear to?

However, the ONLY important thing you need to know about this movie is that Jeff Goldblum is in it.

Jeff Goldblum My super soul patch tastes blue. No wait. It's teal. With a hint of menthol.

That's him right there. Bravely making sure you find the apartment that's right for you. You can decide whether or not to watch this film solely on that.

The End.

OK Fine.

Where did Thor and The Hulk disappear to, you didn't ask but I shall surmise anyway?

Well, Thor apparently got his foot stuck in a bucket, tripped down a well, and yo-yo'ed all way down the chain to Nilfheim. There he managed to piss off Hela enough for her to go up and destroy Asgard. Note that this Hela is not the daughter of Loki per Norse myth. Actually I can't remember what the hell her deal is. Well, I guess Hell is her deal. She rules it.

So anyway, Hela blows shit up and kicks Thor down a wormhole (yes, that is correct) to another planet where he is immediately tased by the locals because his face pisses off anyone with any kind of sensibility.

Thor being tased Wait, isn't he usually the thundergod spewing lighting all over the place?

He is forcefully given a haircut to try and make him look less irritating but that doesn't help much. So Jeff Goldblum decides to toss him in coliseum type arena so that we can at least get a few laughs out of him being eviscerated in combat.

But in a surprise twist, his opponent is no other than The Hulk, who is also immediately pissed off at Thor's face. But we can guess that they will have a merry adventure from there on.

So what was The Hulk doing there? If we go by the comic books, this is obviously off the plot of Planet Hulk, where Hulk was tricked into EXILE, yes EXILE, as in BANISHED, THROWN AWAY, LAID OFF, GIVEN THE COLD SHOULDER by S.H.I.E.L.D. who had decided that he was too dangerous to be kept on Earth. But as we all know by now, these superhero flicks ain't following your pappy's Earth-616, so who knows how he got there. Maybe he fell down a well too. A big one.

Plot aside, the visuals of this movie are as expected of big productions these days. Crisp, yet rich in detail. Can't say anything bad about that. Or anything new to say about it for that matter.

No comment about the musical score yet but I'm pretty damn sure the Immigrant Song won't be on a loop through the whole thing.

There are a few things that ticked me off in this "teaser".

First off, the forced retroness.

Retro title animation

With the Led Zepplin and this style of title animation, it's a blatant attempt by those aliens who run Hollywood to milk whatever they think made Guardians of the Galaxy sell. Kids from the 80's are now the adults with the money and nostalgia has a greater hold the older you get.

I highly recommend you watch Flash Gordon (1980) instead if you want an awesome story and brilliant rock music score.

Second; This absolutely useless helmet feature.

pointy helmet

What is he lowering? Is it just to make the pointy wing bits go up? Does it make his wifi signal better? Does the hinge for that helmet go through his skull?

And what is the deal with Loki here?

Loki flipping knives

If you have time to be flipping knives on a battlefield, you deserve to be stabbed. Incidentally, it seems that Loki is not necessarily the bad guy in this movie.

And then there's this guy.

Asgardian dual wielding M16s

Is he Asgardian? Why does he have M16s??? What is this??

Finally, this was made for no reason:

You can watch the trailer here:

When you're done watching you can go back to top and be stuck in an infinite loop reading this post.